Uncertainty
by afrah11
Summary: Aaron Hotchner reflects on the news about JJ's departure and the impact that 'her decision' might have on his team and in his own life.


_A/N: This story came to my mind right after I heard the news on AJ and Paget. It is the first time that I write from First Person's POV and the very first time I try writing a story involving Hotch's feelings towards a team member. And even when it's not a romantic story, I still feel a bit unsure about it. _

_Thanks so much to 'Musiclover14' for the read-through._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing from this show or its characters._

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**Uncertainty**

The day had finally come to an end and I couldn't be more grateful about it. I felt tired and heavy- so many thoughts and feelings whirling inside my head and inside my heart. The night-time view that could be appreciated from my office window was bringing some sort of calm into my soul, it was dark and for the first time in what seemed a life time, some stars were sparkling in the sky. However, even with such a beautiful view in front of my eyes, it was not nearly enough to make me feel a little bit better.

I still could not believe the news and the uncertainty that was floating in the air made me feel strange- as if I was a different person because I simply couldn't bring myself onto accepting it.

Somehow, deep inside my head I always thought that JJ was going to be part of my life forever. I know that I was being naive though, but I'd like the idea of having her around all the time- and given our line of work that was indeed possible-, having JJ day and night by my side became a routine; one that I treasured with my life.

I always knew that JJ was an amazing person, in every sense of the word. She was smart, proactive, intelligent, positive, caring and why not say it too- really beautiful. Her blue eyes and clean gaze always brought peace into the turmoil that was my existence; even when I felt sad or angry she always showed up and brought a ray of light into my world- which always made me wish to keep going. And now I'm scared- scared of losing that peace and the joy that she brought into my life every single day.

When she entered into my office this morning to tell me that she was leaving the BAU because she wanted to spend more time with her husband and her son I felt a pang in the pit of my stomach and for a second I thought that- a cloud of jealousy was floating in the air. From the next week onwards, Will LaMontaigne was going to have JJ to himself –_my JJ. _Granted, she was his, but somehow, she was mine as well. After all, she spent more time with me than she did with him. And it was then and there, in my office, looking into her beautiful eyes that I felt a wave of rage and disappointment invading my soul, but all of a sudden, I thought of Henry and it immediately brought memories of my own son -of Jack- and those negative feelings vanished, just like the waves go back into the ocean after hitting mainland, and I calmed down.

And it was in that precise moment that it came crashing down on me and I realised that- I envied her courage and determination. I knew she loved the BAU and the team, I knew we were family, however, she was strong enough to leave everything behind in order to be a mother to her son; and all of a sudden, I wished I could be as strong as she is and to be able to leave everything behind and hand in my resignation to Strauss; however, I am aware that I am not her and I know that maybe I am never going to be as courageous as she is. Once again she has given me a reason to admire her and respect her even more than I already do.

Without really noticing, I had become the job and now it is all that I am. Coming to that conclusion I realised that, I was indeed happy for her. JJ and I were the only ones on the team with kids and I felt happy to know that at least one of our children was going to have both his parents by his side. But I also came to the realisation that, more than jealous or hurt or amazed, I was uncertain about the future to come, because I did not know what I was going to do when she was not around anymore.

Granted, I still had my team, the rest of my family was staying with me, but it was not the same. Even when the agent appointed to my unit will come and take over JJ's position it was never going to be the same and of that, I was certain.

I knew that it was not only about being intelligent, skilled or smart- it is also about trust. About learning to work and why not say it? Learning to live with one another. I had no idea how the new addition was going to cope with the rest of my team. I knew each and every one of them is kind and welcoming, but losing an essential part of themselves was going to be extremely difficult.

Gathering some case files and some other papers, I put them inside my briefcase and made my way to the door. Turning off the lights, I closed the door behind me and casted a last glance to -what was still her office- and soon it was going to be somebody elses. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, a new phase was coming and a new cycle was about to begin- a new day without her.

**The End**


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